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I am just an ordinary girl, powerless yet strong and ready to make her dreams come true.

Proverbs 3:5

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding."

This is where I'm most ...

...comfortable expressing about my feelings and thoughts...
Get inside my heart and you will understand me better :)

Thursday, April 21, 2011

Suddenly emo. - Letter to Mr. President

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huuu

idk why im suddenly emo… Im just gonna be honest. I somehow feel scared… Im scared to lose max, scared that what if some other girl/s makes him happier than I make him happy? scared if he acts differently when im there and when im not. scared he needs to hide something from me so I wont get mad or upset. stop doing what he likes to do because of me. this might just be the shot that’s making me feel so down and below. tears don’t do anything at all. I really don’t know what to do. im so scared of getting hurt but ill prolly get hurt anyways. I hate being a jealous bitch, I know its not healthy and im trying not to take it out on him but ill just take it out on myself. I don’t know. he says he treats me like im his wife…but really how do you treat your wife?… I don’t know whats going on. im so stressed to the top I think im going crazy. im so stresses about getting the asylum, im stressed what if max have to go back or have to g** m******… I feel hopeless….I really hopeless… im tired of crying… my eyes are running out of tears… why can’t I just be citizen here? who in the world wants to go back to Indonesia where you get threatened or put bomb/s in your church? this 10 years of waiting for asylum to be in a safer place needs to be finished already… US need to give us greencard already! My family are good people and good "residence” of America… has always been good for this past 10 years… what else do you expect??????? you make me wait so long now I’ve fallen in love with an international student and cant do anything about it!! you ruined my life, my hope, and my dreams… what more prove do you want if being a good residence of 10 years isnt enough? bombs are going off everywhere in indo and earthquakes and trunamis are happening all over indo, pastors being killed, church being burnt, and you expect me to go back? HELL TO THE MUTHA FUCKIN NO! you go back to indo and be the president there and see if you want to get an aslyum here… I just finished goodling next international school for my love, but what in the world?! do you expect ALL international student that wants to reach their dreams and goals are all rich?! noooo! some struggle just to get that food on the table…im so pissed so tired so exhausted so tired of crying while typing all of my emotion  when all I want is to be with the person I love… to have a taste of your “freedom” to get married here and live here.. I definetly went off topic but really this is how I felt, this letter is to you Mr. Obama who failed to keep his promises to all the immigrants… thank you thank you very much for breaking my heart, killing my dreams, and eventually lose the love of my life.

with love and hate,

-Magda

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Sunday, April 17, 2011

A Year Later…

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Hello all,

well not all, just myself…

it’s currently 1:25 AM on a Saturday night and I just woke up about 2 hours ago, couldn’t find myself going back to sleep… I haven’t wrote for awhile…

Here’s what’s new!

  1. I got a new laptop! at an awesome deal
  2. Max and I made it through a year
  3. I had lost about 30 pounds from my diet from Jet and had recently gained 10-20lbs back –___-“
  4. I’m stressed
  5. I’m stressed
  6. I’m scared
  7. I don’t know what to do
  8. I’m lost
  9. I’m scared
  10. I’m…. tatongka!
  11. I’m sad
  12. I’m depressed and I keep gaining weight
  13. No matter how big my smile is, a huge pain is right underneath it
  14. I need God
  15. I need faith
  16. I learned a lot about Max
  17. I learned a lot about love
  18. I learned a lot about patience
  19. I learned how to trust again

I love my laptop except the nginnnnggggg sound from the fan or something. There’s a lot to tell about Max. Yes I lost 30lbs but yet gained it almost all back cuz of the trip to Michigan my tummy went big again :(

Max

My love, my man, my boyfriend, my husband, my babyboo, my pupsik, my tupoy, my tupsik, my jorok, my everything… Truly the only romantically opposite sex human being that loves me unconditionally. Sometimes I think he’s crazy for being with someone like me who is fat, loud, snores, cry baby, etc2. but yet he still loves me, he said the outer appearance doesn’t matter to him, what’s important is my heart. I love him so much. He doesn’t realize but because he loves me I understand what love really is.

  1. Love is patient
  2. Love is kind
  3. Love does not envy
  4. Love does not boast
  5. Love is not proud it is not rude
  6. Love is not self-seeking it is not easily angered
  7. Love keeps no records of wrong
  8. Love does not delight in evil but it rejoices with the truth
  9. Love always protects
  10. Love always trusts
  11. Love always hopes
  12. Love always perseveres

–1Corinthians13:4-8a

You see, if you replace “love” with “Max”, it is everything he is! I know he’s the one I want to marry that I want to spend the rest of my life with…

but

but the course of true love never did run smooth says Shakespeare… If you’re a movie go-er you’ll notice that ALL love story, lovey-dovey movies have a part where they needed to be separated for awhile then they reunite and they live happily ever after… Yes it’s very “Awwwh” towards the end but even in movies they have problem that both sides need to solves in order to be together later on. The difference from movie and real life is that in movies you can always just put “6 months later” or “3 Years later” etc. but but not in real life! It is much harder to wait for that 6 months or that 3 years… Isn’t it sad? that why I said to Max that I’m not in a movie, why does things have to be so hard???

We all have some sort of problem/s with our “special one” but before I say what it is about mine, I would like to say the usual problem women are having nowadays. The problem/s with many women that are in long term relationships, are waiting for their man to ask their hand in marriage, have man that cheats on them, realize things just don’t work out, he’s not what you’re expected, he’s cheap, he’s broke, he can’t commit, etc. but mine…mine is not even any of these

We knew we’re made for each other, he have asked my hand in marriage for I don’t know how many times and my answers is always “yes”, we trust each other, we work things out, he’s what I expected, he commit to me, he knows nobody else can love him the way I do and vice versa but then here comes the problem…

papers.

I’m still waiting on my case to be approved and my love is an international student. What do I do? I’m going crazy trying to think of a way out… I’m drained! I’ve cried my heart and my mind out. Going crazy and blaming myself why can’t I be a citizen already since I’ve lived here for 10 years! so much being in love… my heart is aching, my mind is exhausted. It kills me every time the thought of m__c__ come across my mind. I’m tired. I just want to be happy. I want to be with the one I need the one I want. Truly my head is tired from running 100/mph thinking about all this. God I need you. I need a miracle, I need hope.

Things happens for a reason. All of these things are preventing me to have a normal relationship with Max. I don’t know what to do. I don’t know what to do. I don’t know what God can do.

That’s all for tonight. It’s 2:30am and I’m ready for bed now…

photo

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Friday, December 31, 2010

NYE!

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wow...so here I am at the last day of 2010.
Currently at Max's place :) he doesn't get off until 12 :(
but I just want to say how thankful I am for this year.
I'm thankful that I have God that loves me no matter what
as well as parents that loves me no matter what
and especially I have Max that still loves me no matter what
I am blessed in a very different and unique way this year and im happy for each one of them :)
A lot of lessons have been learned, a lot of new things I have done and thank God close to ZERO girl-drama... Not having Sarah this year really did make a HUGE change... no offense but its true.

Here's a quick list of the HIGHLIGHT of my 2010:

January
- Random countdown at Nogales
- Forgiving is an act of Love
- Jang Geun Suk ALL THE WAY!!!!!! <3
- Dear Geun Suk........... (Yellow letters)

February
- "I HAVE TO FIND A BOYFRIEND BEFORE MY 21st BDAY" Mission!
- LA bound!
- Hey who's that Russian? Oh, Hello there Max!
- SIS Wedding, CANCELLED!
- Happy b-day Russian, I didn't know you like that girl.... bye
- But Russian, we could still be friends :)
- I PASSED MY DRIVING TEST!
- Hello there R.R. ;)
- Hi my other boyfriend, CANON T2i SLR!

March
- And I, I, I'm in love.... And I, I, I'm terrified~!
- MISSION: Kidnap Max :)
- MY NEW GIGI!!!! :D
- CHICAGO!
- Cancelled wedding trip was fun

April
- Fireworks in my heart or I just got electrocuted!
- Night full of kisses <3
- Today was a fairytale
- Hello Max.....my new boyfriend :)
- MoVal family, meet Max...Geisha House
- My soul left my body when I jumped off that electric pole in Pali Mtn.
- I could've DIED if I hadn't listen to Bonnie. (Dental Surgery)

May
- Pinky & Mytchell the FOXguy, David the Magician, Keith the ????
- VANNESS WU! I finally met you
- SNAP, SNAP, SNAP! Loving my camera
- Hi I'm Pucca and my boyfriend here is Garu

June
- Perfect Two by Auburn
- Max, Liz n Bonnie's bday present for me.... iPhone 4!
- CHATEAU MARMONT IS RACIST!
- But HAPPY 21st BDAY TO ME!!!!!!! :D
- SURPRISE BDAY PARTY! THX to BOnnie!

July
- Max, meet the Rumambis
- Sis wedding in Cali...FINALLY!
- Got to see Mommy n Daddy, triplets, Aj, Tt. Wulan, K Liza!
- Max....APPROVED! Rumambis like...wait no... LOVE
- EVERYONE left!
- Sis move to New Jersey, Parents go back to Mich, K Liza tt. Wulan go back to ML

August
- Dad approve religion difference...but IJO?!
- Hi tarantulas, wolf, other scary things (EGW Mem Church)

September
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October
- Happy 6th Months :)
- JetDiet
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November
- I need a friggin car!
- Let's go get my car in Mich? CANCELLED
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December
- MICHIGAN TRIP!
- MICHIGAN - CHICAGO - St. LOUIS - OKLAHOMA - TEXAS - NEW MEXICO - ARIZONA - CALI Road trip!! Bringing HoLu back!!!
- Loneliest Xmas ever...but got my Boyfriend
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